What Is the Nice Guy Syndrome?
The nice guy syndrome is characterized by being overly nice, people-pleasing, being inauthentic, seeking approval and avoiding conflict. Nice guys hide their authentic self and mold themselves to try and fit everyone else’s expectations, all so that they might receive some validation they’re unable to give themselves.
They believe they need to hide their flaws and become what others want them to be so that they might be loved, get their needs met, and ultimately live a problem-free life. This expectation that a good life is a problem free life, is one of the most destructive paradigm to live in.
Yet, being a nice guy is not who they fundamentally are, it’s only a coping mechanism, survival strategy or paradigm (whatever you want to call it) - one that they’ve carried with them into adulthood and which no longer serves them.
What Causes the Nice Guy Syndrome?
Being a “nice guy” is the result of a survival strategy that boys developed in childhood to retain emotional connection & receive love. Somewhere along the way these men developed the belief that they are not lovable as they inherently are - that they are wrong. This sets them up with internalized toxic shame: they are ashamed for who they are.
This internalize shame, combined with a decadent society which has begun to demonize masculinity in the wake of radical feminism, plus the lack of father figures and healthy male role models, has created the epidemic of ‘nice guys’ out of touch with the true masculine strength.
Aside from nice guy syndrome being caused in part by this disowning & rejection of masculinity, there is a common psychological belief system at play:
Firstly there is a root desire to be perceived as good / acceptable. There then arises this unconscious attempt to control someone's opinion of them & seek their approval, because how a person feels about them becomes how you feel about themselves.
Secondly, there’s this root belief that they are not lovable as they are. This attempt to control another’s perception of them comes from not believing they are good or worthy enough as the authentic version of themselves.
This belief of not being worthy of love comes from the toxic shame acquired due to the childhood events and dynamic with primary care-givers.
As a child they came to believe the reason they weren’t loved appropriately was simply due to who they inherently are. This is the root wound: “I was not loved because of who I am, therefore I am ashamed to be me.”
In believing they are not lovable as they are, there then lies the fear of being abandoned if they show your true self (which might not be approved of). This root fear (”If I show my true self I will be abandoned”) is the driving force of the nice guy behavior.
Symptoms & Issues of the Nice Guy Syndrome
People-Pleasing / seeking approval
agreeing with everyone’s opinion, no conviction of their own
wearing many masks (and many tones of voice)
shying away from authentic self-expression
hiding true opinions & feelings
Lack of self-worth
lack of confidence / self-esteem
negative self-talk
social anxiety
seeking validation from others, particularly women
Self-betrayal & codependency
Weak boundaries
Inability to say ‘no’
tolerating the intolerable in relationships
sacrificing on priorities & needs
prioritizing other people’s needs
Avoiding conflict
lack of assertiveness
not asking for what they want
avoiding confrontation
The issues with being a nice guy are: chronic disempowerment, being inauthentic, lying, manipulation, strained relationships, being taken advantage of, loosing respect from others, unsatisfying sex life, not being trust worthy, being friend zoned, being held back in career. All of these lead to a life of subtle frustration and at worst depression.
Recovering from the Nice Guy Syndrome
There’s a lot of different ways to tackle nice guy syndrome. Yet, each belongs to one of 3 specific foundations: mindset, emotions & embodiment.
Each foundation comes down to one thing: start bettering your relationship to yourself, for as a nice guy, you’ve learned to disconnect from yourself to win the approval of others.
I’ve learned the hard way that, without addressing the three core foundations together, it’s all to easy for lack in one area to sabotage your efforts in the other two. These are the foundational areas I cover in my coaching program, as I help others avoid the pitfalls I landed in.
Mindset & Paradigms
An integrate man who embodies heart-felt masculinity has a bullet-proof mindset.
There are so many aspects that make up a healthy mindset, but above all it is a growth orientated: one which doesn’t put limitations on possibilities or opportunities for growth.
Your mindset is shaped by your stage of psychological development and the paradigms through which you understand and interact with the world. Therefore doing work in this area requires a radical shakedown and reframing of your reality.
It’s also about having the tools and practices to keep one’s mindset from slipping downwards into the negative spiral. Until there’s a solid foundation in positive, growth orientated mindset, resolving the nice guy patterns is impossible.
Mindset & Paradigm shifting includes:
strategic thinking
reprogramming subconscious belief systems
addressing the backwards thinking acquired with the nice guy persona: e.g. “If i’m nice to everyone, i’ll have all my needs met”; “I need to be perfect to be loved; “I can do it all”
acting with discipline not motivation (i.e. not only when you feel like it)
radical self-responsibility & resolving victim mindset
seeing challenge as a good thing
stop the give to get mentality
reflect on the ways your are over-giving to other with nothing in return
not expecting handouts and not desiring an easy ride in life
cultivating discernment & integrity
understanding that no longer being a nice guy doesn’t make you an asshole
accept that putting yourself first is the best way to makes yourself happy and make the greatest contribution to the world
knowing that you can’t please everyone
Healing Emotions & Psychological Wounds
Now of course, mind, body and emotions are all inextricably linked, therefore this can’t be tackled on its own without addressing emotional triggers which affect our choice of actions.
This area of innerwork is the deepest. It require digging into our past, finding where we weren’t able to process certain feelings and how they got stuck, turning into stagnant emotions which are then getting triggered over and over again.
It is also about healing the inner-child (a term thrown around a lot these day). That means, again digging deep, seeing where and how we were hurt as children, and how that shaped our worldly paradigm and create the coping strategies which now cause self-sabotage.
Another popular concept is the phenomena of ‘inner-parts’. These are diverging parts of our psyche which are seemingly at odds with one another. We can identify them when we have ambivalent feelings. Often we create inner ‘protector’ parts to protect our wounded inner child. Therefore to access the inner child, we first have to speak to and integrate the inner protector. This is just one such example.
But emotional processing doesn’t stop there. It also includes learning how to feel, learning how to express, also how not to become reactive when triggered emotionally. On top, it is about learning to read and handle the emotions of others well. This is referred to as ‘emotional intelligence’ - a key trait of a mature, integrated man.
Aspects of emotional processing:
healing your mother & father wounds
healing wounds with the masculine & other men
heal the wounded inner-child who was shamed
identify conflicting inner parts and learn to reintegrate them
somatic emotional release work
doing shadow work and seeing how a lot of nice guy tendencies are acted out unconsciously
Embodiment
Embodiment is yet another popular term in the field of self-development, (and one I myself can cringe at sometimes!) It is perhaps one of the more difficult aspect for men to grasp as we tend to be more rational, logical-thinking being.
But, we are not simply rational beings. We have bodies and emotions, and how we relate to & experience those very much shapes who we are and what we do.
Although not complete, my primary definition of embodiment is, “to express something through the body”. Yet, it also includes the relationship between our state/patterns and our bodies, how we experience emotions and our patterns in relationships.
It’s important to know that every physiological state has a corresponding psychological state. Therefore we can change our psycho-emotional state by changing our body’s state.
Embodiment is cultivated through practice, and there are many different modalities and specific practices that help men tap into and embody their masculine energy (basically the antidote to nice guy behavior).
The most important thing about embodiment is that is helps you avoid getting stuck in mental masturbation, knowing all the theory but without any consistent implementation and affect in the world.
Embodiment Includes:
embodying the masculine archetypes of king, warrior, lover & magician
working with your body & felt-sense to make insights a consistently lived part of your reality
cultivating felt-sense to assist emotional processing & develop emotional intelligence
learning about your character structure and body armor
conscious movement practice which includes breath synchronization
the relationship between conditioning, alignment & body posture, and our psycho-emotional state
voice modulation & holding eye contact
nervous system regulation & flexibility
practicing with experts and within community
Other Practical Tips
Read Dr. Glover's book
Seek out coaching or therapy
Join a men's support group
Take part in activities with a group of men
Start letting others do stuff for you
Learn to say 'no' and mean it
Learn to please yourself by doing activities you want to do
Start put your own needs first
Take daily action towards your personal goals to build confidence.
Confront tense situations & discomfort. Do a 21 day streak of confronting discomfort or tense situations x3/ day.
To stop seeking an easy life, create an environment for yourself where you actively engage in discomfort and cultivate self-discipline: this can be regular cold showers, working out, waking early, abstaining from cheap dopamine rewards such as porn, fast food, etc.
Spend extended periods of time alone to attune to your feelings, needs & desires without influence from others.
I hope this article helps you understand the nice guy syndrome better, including its origins and symptoms. If you're aware of yourself operating from the self-sabotaging survival strategy, and are ready to start doing the deeper work to resolve it, feel free to book into a discovery call and we can see if we want to work together.
Sincerely,
Fred