The motherwound is the psychological impact a man’s relationship with his mother has left on his adult life. When a man has unresolved issues with his mother, this inadvertently affect his intimate relationships with women.
This can manifest as seeking validation, poor boundaries, as well as projecting anger onto his partner/ women. He will repeat the unhealthy dynamics as he remains stuck in that unconscious relationship with his mother, expecting his partner to mother the wounded inner boy inside of him.
There are many forms the motherwound takes, and here I will outline some of the most impactful, and later go on to address how these show up in a man’s life and rob him of his masculine sovereignty.
Scolding, Punishment and Shaming from the Mother
The first aspect of the motherwound is where a man’s mother has scolded, punished or shame him excessively. This is one I often see show up with Nice Guys. The punishment and shaming were a constant part of that relationship. At this young age the boy registers this as a punishment for who he is. He learns that his authentic expression is not okay: if he is himself and acts out of line, or evokes the anger and criticism of his mother, then his mother’s loving affection is withdrawn.
This is a massive blow for a young boy, as he is still dependent on his mother’s nurturing affection. His nervous system registers the withdrawal as a survival threat. He is then conditioned to avoid anything that might evoke his mother anger, learning to keep his needs and expression small so that he never risks loosing his mother’s love. This is effectively the beginning of the domestication process - something which is then later only reinforced by societal expectations and “norms”.
In a related fashion, when a mother gives conditional love - conditional upon the child meeting certain expectations or standards - the boy internalizes the belief that they are only worthy of love when they perform or behave in a certain way.
The most pronounced way this shows up in a man’s life is him loosing his sovereign power. He is ashamed of his authentic expression. He learns to play by the rule book, terrified of ever rocking the boat or upsetting someone, and carries immense shame around who he is. He doesn’t live in his truth and this internalized shame has him constantly seeking approval and validation from the outside world - not least from women.
In fact, he is horrendously dependant on women to validate him because he was conditioned to constantly seek his mothers affection and avoiding her wrath. This man - seeking intimacy, connection and validation - will mould himself inn any way possible to try and fit what he assumes is expected of him - to what he believes will bring about the closest connection and approval.
Yet, he fails to recognize he’s totally estranging himself in the process. He dare not reveal his true colours, his rawest expression, in case it is (once again) met with disapproval and shame. He is thus unable to ever be honest and direct with a woman. This makes him dangerous man, for his manipulative coercion and chameleon-ing wreaks havoc in women’s lives.
In his relationships he will acquiesce, always being dependant on her affirmation to feel good about himself, and will hold back his most honest desires and needs out of fear of rejection and guilt. Instead he turns to manipulation to get his needs met. And when they’re not met, resentment builds and he turns passive aggressive.
This is all classic codependent chaos, where the man self-sacrifices, hides his true self, lies and pretends… all to keep the waters smooth on the surface, but all the while his soul is suffocating inside as he runs from himself and his power.
Single Parent Households + Passive Fathers
I want to note hear that this dynamic just outlined and it’s ensuing impact, is often more pronounced in single parent households - or, where the boy has a passive father and a dominant mother.
Basically, in these households, the mother has to take on both the loving, nurturing role, as well as the the disciplinary role. Therefore the young boy is then caught in a situation where that loving, compassionate side can be withdrawn in an instance, and the same parental figure is then the one shaming and punishing him. Again, in order to secure that love he learns to do anything to avoid his mother’s wrath - i.e. be a good little boy.
And a further note on passive fathers… many father may have been physically present and perfectly loving, however their own lack of deep healing work meant that they weren’t able to model mature, embodied masculinity. And as a result they passed on their own dysfunctions to their son. However, this is leading towards a different (but related) topic of the fatherwound.
Narcissistic Mothers
Moving on, I couldn’t write this piece without mentioning the impact having a narcissistic mother has on a boy growing up. Now, i’m no expert and I am certainly weary of the overuse of the term ‘narcissist’ being thrown around at anyone who upsets someone. Nevertheless, I will point out there are generally two types of narcissistic mothers who inflict a motherwound:
1) the overt, grandiose narcissist, who in their self-centeredness prioritizes her own needs and desires over her child's, leading to emotional neglect, manipulation, or exploitation. This can result in the child feeling unseen, invalidated, or used.
Growing up into adult relationships, a man with such a motherwound will find it hard to trust women and can end up unconsciously projecting the anger he has towards his mother onto his partner, which is unfair on them as that’s not who they are!
At worst this can lead to narcissistic men, where the mother only ever gives love when the child does something for her or conforms to expectations. The child then learns to seek validation through external achievements or attention-seeking behaviours, mirroring the narcissistic tendencies of the parent. Or, the emotional neglect leaves the child feeling unloved, invalidated, and insecure, leading them to adopt narcissistic behaviours as a coping mechanism to protect themselves from further emotional pain.
2) the covert narcissist, who desperately needing all attention on her, plays the victim role incessantly, feigning to be the one who’s been dealt the worst blow in life and needs everyone else to stop in their tracks to help her. But the catch is, she doesn’t want help. Actually receiving help would mean she’d have to take responsibility and might become better - and then why would people then giver her attention?
This leaves the boy again neglected, used and lied to. He grows up to believe his needs don’t matter; that he must suppress them to first met his mother’s needs - all so he might get the very basic care, validation and nurture he requires. Yet, this is never given in adequate amounts, stifling the child’s emotional development.
Taking on the Parent Role for his Mother
This last point leads me on the next type of motherwound, (as it is certainly one cause of it) namely, where a boy has to parent his mother. This occurs when a mother doesn’t have the emotional maturity to parent properly. She is reliant on her children for emotional support and affirmation. It can also occur when she treats him more like a friend or confidant than a child.
In such scenarios, the boy again gives up on his own needs and desires to accommodate and soothe his mother’s emotional volatility; or fit the role he’s be coerced into. This child is forced into an adult role early on in life. And it’s more pronounced if he then has siblings he has to look after as well.
The impact of the boy forced into an adult, parent role, is that he will feel burdened and anxious; as well as learning to suppress his emotions and needs to keep a functioning household. He will also loose the child-like curiosity and playfulness that sparks passion for life.
When it comes to adult relationships, it is likely he either avoids intimacy all together; or is attracted to emotionally volatile women, as such a dynamic at least gives him the chance to heal this trauma (that’s trauma-bonding 101)!
Emotional Neglect & Abandonment
Of course, all dynamics mentioned so far lead to cases of emotional neglect. The primary impact of this is leaving deep-seated wounds around feeling not good enough, a.k.a toxic shame. This young boy learns that his needs don’t matter, that his emotional expression will often be ignored or illicit a negative response.
And if I haven’t said enough times already, he then learns to stuff everything down and that it’s safer to regulate on his own. In fact, he learns that close relationships are prone to illiciting this pain of rejection or shame, therefore avoids them altogether (welcome in the avoidant attachment wound…)
And further related, is the wound of abandonment where he was either, often left alone; had love and physical closeness withdraw as an act of punishment; or lost his mother early on. The lack of attention, care and emotional support leaves a hole in this man’s life - something he will constantly be trying to receive through women in adulthood. This leads to needy behavior and is a big turn off for women, either leaving him in the friend zone or has women leaving him.
Enmeshment & Overbearing Mother
Lastly, another very common contributor to the motherwound: the overbearing, smothering mother. This is the mother who was incredibly controlling, over-protective, not giving the boy any sense of agency. At worst it leads to enmeshment, where the man is forever entangled in a relationship with his mother. Dr. Glover calls Nice Guys out for being ‘monogamous’ with their mothers, leaving no room for a functional relationship with other partners.
This can also lead to the coddled, entitled prince archetype, who expects everything to be done for him and to be doted on by women just like his mother did. Not so attractive for women looking for a sovereign king…
On the other end of the spectrum, the controlling behavior and excessive encroachment on his autonomy can leave a man having strong aversion to ever letting a women in close; or if he ever does, he’ll put up staunch resistance to her ever having an influence on him and will reject much of her advice - obviously not only to his downfall, but the relationship’s also.
And lastly, this dynamic can also show up as enmeshment, with a man having a poor sense of boundaries as the formation of his individual identity was made murky. Or it shows up with him constantly asking for permission for anything he does in life.
Conclusion
I will also say here that any unresolved pain and anger towards the mother can show up in strong and subtle misogynistic beliefs and behaviours, where a man believe women to be less than and thinks he can get away with harassment, derogatory speech and in worse cases abuse. Again, this is a projection of fierce unresolved pain directed at his mother
Until addressed and healed, the projection of the motherwound will run a man’s intimate relationships, leaving both him and his partner unfulfilled and sabotaging deeper intimacy and polarity.
To become a mature, trustable and authentic man, you must heal this wound by severing the unconscious bond with your mother and learning to take care of your own emotional needs without relying on your partner (whom you unconsciously see as your mother). This is something cultures throughout history ritualised through a boy's initiation into manhood- the rites of passage ritual. Something modern Western culture has sadly lost - and to great detrimental impact.
By doing severing this unconscious bond, it's not that you become less caring to your mother, but less dependent. You acquire sovereignty. Know that it will result in you overcoming these negative patterns and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
Your entry into manhood is predicated on you reclaiming your power. That begins with you finding out what you truly want from life, irrespective of anyone’s judgements or expectations. When you have clarity, you must then go about practicing to own your truth; to advocate for yourself, to voice your opinions, to not keep your desires hidden, and to uphold your boundaries without fear of abandonment.
For too long you’ve betrayed yourself, fawning, staying small, giving in in order to gain approval and placate. It will have become chronic at this stage, and your path through life is to now reclaim your sovereignty, all the while not falling prey to resentment, but still learning to love and revere the feminine with becoming dependent on her approval - no matter how hard you’ve been hurt.
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