Here is the reality: many, many men today are in fact boys in a man’s body.
I actually hate to have to confront this, because it’s causing havoc in the world, most notably in intimate relationships; but not least because this has been me in so many ways.
There’s a very fitting name to this phenomena, “Peter Pan Syndrome”.
Peter Pan was the perpetual boy who never wanted to grow up, who ran away to Neverland with the ‘lost boys’.
He was the Puer Aeternus, the child god who is eternally young. This is the mythological symbolism of the adult who’s emotional development is arrested at an adolescent (if not younger) age.
And just look around… I know we can name perhaps half a dozen men in our lives who live out this archetype.
Hell, perhaps it’s even our own fathers, your ex, a coworker, your brother…
And perhaps still, in your heart of hearts you know this is you. It’s in fact so common for men deep into middle age to confess that they feel they’ve in fact never really grown up.
And a huge cause of this is the lack of initiatory processes for young men, something which is perhaps making a come back, but was far more common of yesteryear and still more prevelant in indigenous cultures.
The best a man could get in today’s modern western culture has been the military or gang life - each with their respective negative impacts.
And don’t get me wrong, there’s a beauty and necessity to retain child-like playfulness and curiosity, but Peter Pan Syndrome is more pernicious - it is a rejection of stepping up into manhood and embodying the qualities of the mature masculine.
So, let’s dive in… how does this show up and how does one put an end to it?
The Peter Pan Syndrome is formed in adolescence when the teenage boy wishes to break free from the confines and restriction imposed by his parents. There is strong backlash and he does everything in his power to rebel and not be like his parents.
I was immensely guilty of this through my early 20s - as we all are, I guess. And boy, looking back now I can cringe at the strife I caused myself.
But the trouble with the Peter Pan Syndrome, is that the boy gets stuck there. He makes it part of his identity. And in never healing the father and mother wounds, he gets arrested at this level of development, always acting in defiance.
These boys have never been initiated into a process of killing off this adolescent rebelliousness and childhood innocence. This is crucial if he is to emerge on the other side, as a strong, noble man ready to face the harsh cold realities of life.
Instead, the arrested boy wants a comfortable, burden-free living; eternally innocent and free from blame. This is what Peter Pan Syndrome essentially is: the avoidance of responsibility.
That is, having to take responsibility for one’s actions and decision. This manifests as victim mentality, blaming others, and reckless behavior without concern for how his actions (or lack of) impact others.
An assured maker of mature masculinity is the capacity to own one’s faults, fuck ups, limitations, and to be intimately aware of his worst shadows. And beyond that (and this is crucial), such men take accountability. They aim to do something about it.
There is a difference between owning and taking responsibility, and then actually having the balls to do something about it so you learn your lesson and don’t perpetuate the chaos. The former can easily still be done by the self-reflective man-child, who is more hung up on over analyzing and intellectualising his negative behaviour rather than taking determined action to put an end to it.
This must be said, but this is a choice. If a man resists, just claiming, “that’s the way I am”, then i’m afraid this is indicative of the Peter Pan boy - the one who wants to be granted permission and excuses for his toxic behavior without ever having to take accountability.
This aversion to the burden of responsibility then plays out in a myriad of destructive ways, made all the more pernicious and easy in today’s modern world… addiction to porn, substances abuse, leaving a endless trail of broken hearts from his womanizing, video fames, never committing to a single path, instead fleeting from one career or interest to the next, before ever reaching some sort of depth that may turn into a gift for the world - something I myself have been bad at.
And not least does this show up in his attitude and behavior towards women. He is endlessly chasing after a fantasy version of women - someone who’ll meet all his needs without him ever having to lift a finger.
In this way, he is the most toxic life-sucking force on women.
This often plays out in his addiction to porn, as the reality of facing a real women and having to burden the responsibility of doing what it takes to create a thriving relationships, is utterly alien to him. He simply looks at women to purely gain from them. In this way he is the most toxic life-sucking force on women.
If not that, then Peter Pan gets caught in codependency, needing his partner to coddle and validate him. His immaturity leaves him looking to his partner to give him sense of fulfilment/ satisfaction.
The only way out is for these man-children to begin looking at their shadows. All the ways they are in fact like the father they desperately try to run from. To acknowledge and feel into tall the repressed, darker aspects of his character; and all the pernicious ways they seep to the surface: passive aggressiveness, rage, jealousy, arrogance, fear, low self-esteem, etc.
He needs to begin to integrate these and wield their power for good. He needs to start becoming whole again. All the while, biting the bullet and accepting his best life is not one free from responsibility, conflict and hardship - but rather one which takes it on earnestly, with reverence and courage.
He has to begin to seek out other men who can guide him through this process, knowing that there is really no time for lone-wolfing. That is the path of Peter Pan. Yet, he is acutely aware of his demise if he continues to congregate with the ‘lost boys’.
Gents, if you are stuck in life, endlessly repeating sabotaging patterns, letting your victim mentality push out all blame, you need to start addressing all the ways you are avoiding responsibility.
If you want help in riding yourself of the Peter Pan Shadow, before you life devolves into another layer of chaos, please reach out. I’ve had to face this, it’s been tough, painful but best thing i’ve done. I’ve had to lament, watching old friends who’ve not yet acknowledge this, run their life into the ground.
Do it for yourself and you loved ones. Become the man you came here to be.