Where’s the line when putting up with her ‘craziness’? What are legitimate emotional storms vs. toxic behavior?
Men, if you’ve been in a committed relationship with a woman and you’ve primarily embodied the masculine pole, then no doubt such questioning has entered your mind. In this article, I attempt to clear up some confusion and debunk some non-constructive myths popularized on social media around the necessity for the masculine pole to ‘hold space’ for the feminine when in relationship. I share a lot of knowledge which i’ve learnt from teachers like John Wineland & Chris Bale, not least from insights gained as i’ve worked through my own shit.
IMPORTANT DISTINCTION
So, often the rhetoric is that the masculine must hold and endure any emotional expression the feminine partner feels compelled to emit, no matter how destructive or immature it is.
Yet, I urge men to become aware of when it is toxic behavior and rather than enabling it, to have the heart-centered backbone to call it out, demand it to stop and then bring the two of you back to a place of love and awareness.
You see there is a distinction between expressing fully from a heart-centered place, versus projecting and acting out unconsciously from past wounds.
It’s important that no-one in a relationship makes their emotions the responsibility of their partners. When skewed teachings in polarity are interpreted from an unintegrated place, it can sound like a man (or masculine pole) is there to weather and butt-up against any storm the feminine throws at him. Yet, I say she doesn’t have free rein to vomit her emotions all over him whenever and where ever, and expect him to take responsibility.
A conscious man doing the work will not want to hold all of his women, always. He know he’s not responsible for all of that. And he won’t come to the rescue in savior mode, on her timing at her biding. Yet, he will be sensitive to it, he will acknowledge it, he will lead and make space for it to be address when feels most appropriate. And this isn’t to torture anyone whilst leaving them hanging, it’s about leading with awareness so that he can show up in full presence and create a a more constructive container where it can be worked through in a healthy way.
A conscious man will also not tolerate being blow apart by any rage attack that is not coming from a heart-centered place: i.e. that is genuine expression of the deepest feeling and is directed towards deeper love through deeper feeling and understanding.
“Hell has no wrath like a woman’s scorn” - so the saying goes. And indeed, it can get very intense for men, and there’s no shaming in the intensity of expression, nor the inability to hold space for that. What’s important to know is that for most men, a rage attack from his women is often too much for him to handle. As John Whineland often points out, simply his nervous system can not handle it (unless he’s done some deep embodiment training) and he either checks out or goes into fight-or-flight. He simply can’t just hold all of her.
In light of this commonality, John obviously trains men to be able to withstand more, but also talks about the feminine modulating her emotional expression in artful ways which might be better metabolized by a man. That means not overwhelming him all at once, which triggers shut down and withdrawal. And sure, ‘revealing from her heart’ and telling their man that they’re afraid or upset, takes a lot of awareness to not be drawn in by conditioned patterns.
Beyond that, it’s so important that men can pick up on when it isn’t heart-centered and be able to lovingly call it out and bring her back to a place of love in a way which doesn’t just enrage her more by minimizing it. How might that look? Perhaps sometime along the lines of, “Hey sweetie, look I see how mad you are right now. I see that this is a serious topic for you. But look, I won’t tolerate you raising your voice at me like that / calling me those names. I love you and I want us to find back to a place of loving connection, but for that I have to ask if you can come back to your heart and express in a way that I might be able to understand you better.”
DOING IT RIGHT
Now, in fact men do indeed have the capacity to ‘hold space’ for a lot of intense emotions. That is, being the ‘unperturbed mountain’, fully present witnessing all that is going on without judgement. This is very healing for anyone needing it, especially the feminine whilst processing her emotions.
Yet, in having an inclination towards this role, men can all-too easily slip over into stonewalling: becoming like that mountain in a literally sense, not really connecting or feeling her. John Whineland marks this difference between actually ‘meeting her’ & ‘holding space’. The latter is not so good and ends up making things worse. Instead he talks of meeting her where she is at; meeting her with full consciousness, feeling her emotions, energy and body.
For that a man needs to get grounded, but not grounded like a mountain as you might think, but how Chris Bale talks of it as being fully present to your own body and the sensations within it, without trying to run away. Then, learn to breathe through it all, don’t try think way out of it, but feel way through it with her.
And to feel through it with her, an open heart is needed. For a man to be capable of holding the expression of his partner’s heart in the moment, he needs to be intimately connected to his own emotions. If he’s used to suppressing and numbing out from everything he’s feeling, his body-mind will want to avoid the emotional expression of another like the plague. His shame around his own emotions has him averse and judgmental to those of his partner. Yet, the deeper he’s gone inside his own heart, the more connected and empathetic he can be with his partner whilst she expresses her heart.
Why is all of this important? It sounds like a bit of a tall order, no? Well yes, but here’s the thing, relationships thrive off intimacy: in-too-me-see. Being seen and understood fully by another; seeing and understanding another. It is immensely enlivening. It’s where deeper connection is found, trust built and is the bedrock for having greater sex. In moments of conflict having this capacity to feel fully and to get curious, means that it doesn’t linger. Connection is always there and malease dissipates as soon as it arrives.
If you can learn the skills of relating with the feminine, her emotional waves do not become such a bother. Here you can learn the difference between reacting versus responding to emotional storms. And become better acquainted with what women truly want here.
Sincerely, Fred
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