The question is: Is the juice worth the squeeze? How much patience and effort are you willing to put in?
If you’ve started the work as a man on embodying the masculine pole in your relationship, you’ll understand the importance of patience in a relationship.
Every relationship requires patience, tolerance, boundary setting and forming agreements over compromises.
And even more so does this arise when we considering healing our past relational wounds, which every person brings to the relationship from their past.
Relationships - specifically conscious ones - offer the opportunity to heal these wounds. And for that, one also does take on a role in helping our partners sort out there own crap (just as they do for us).
Now, it is still crucial to set boundaries and agreements around this so as one does not end up tolerating abuse, or letting the relationship become a distraction from one’s health, career and growth.
You see often in relationship conflict, the onus will fall on the man / masc. partner to find the solution to whatever the issue is (whether they’ve caused it or not). And this means the masc. partner has his work cut out.
He’s got to really sharpened his relational skills to help them both navigate conflict and difficulties. Most notably, this comes in the ability to respond rather than react. Even whilst fully engaged in this incredibly essential work, the results can be slow and extreme patience is required.
Wounded Feminine & Distrust of Masculine.
Beyond that basic principle, many women have a deep mistrust towards the masculine due to being severely mishandle and abused by men. In fact, I believe there’s a deep-rooted collective mistrust towards men and the masculine throughout cultural at large. You only need check on social media to see this play out, where is clear that some women (perhaps even the collective feminine) has been influenced that all men are bad and any display of masculine energy is not trustworthy.
Therefore, there is a guardedness towards the masculine. A guarding towards being seen in her depth and vulnerability - a result of previously inflicted damage and suffering at the hands of the masculine, whether her father or past lovers. It is a protection of her vulnerability and softness.
Through the mistrust women develop, mechanisms of control to keep themselves safe. You can see this is the hyper-independence of the ‘boss-babe’ archetype: “I don’t need no man”.
And then, when men enter into a relationship with a woman who has been conditioned this way, it can be very challenging to embody the masculine pole. Often women like this will attract a less assertive, less masculine, fawning men, who are essentially easier to control, thereby meaning she doesn’t have to give up her guard.
So, where is the line drawn when waiting for the softening? For that trust to develop? Especially when considering that it will take longer with a woman (if not all women) who’s developed this deep mistrust of the masculine.
Conscious, Patient Men.
Well, the work is cut out in this case. But it serves you, as it’ll require you to sharpen your masculine presence and trustworthiness a lot sooner and a lot more deeply than in other cases. And this is no bad thing.
You see, the fact she is not soft and opening around you is an indication that you are not fully safe for the unbridled surrender you both crave - the kind that lays the foundation for deep passionate sexual union.
Her hardness shows you’re still not completely trustworthy. This can be due to your emotional reactivity, breaking of agreements, dishonesty, lack of self-awareness, lack of integrity, inability to empathize, defensiveness, clumsiness, chronic distraction, lack of direction, purposelessness, (I could go on).
And hell, why would a woman what to surrender to that? Certainly if she has been mishandled at the hands of the masculine, then yes, the standards are higher.
But here lies the gift of that hardness: it becomes your barometer for your healthy embodied masculine; that challenge becomes your invitation to grow into a far greater version of yourself; to surpass mediocracy. It’s a chance to dig deep and reveal your true strength and leadership; towards learning the true meaning of what love is: care, support and patience.
If you are really set on your woman, then recognize this and use it to your advantage. Understand her trauma, her wounds, her guardedness. Understand she is merely life’s reflection of your shortcomings - or be it, your greatness! Be patient and learn the skills required to illicit softness: to bring you two together in heart-felt surrender and divine rapture.
Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?
But then, what if you’ve been making changes, trying your best, but no change has occurred in her: despite your best efforts, they’ve not illicited the trust and openness you desire from your women? How much patience is enough? When is the juice no longer worth the squeeze? (To use the proverbial expression) When is the work needed to make the relationship work and get one’s basic needs met no longer worth it?
You see, for a masculine partner one of the great benefits of being in a relationship over being single is in receiving the nourishment of femininity. It brings a lightness to life that makes it worth living. This can be so rejuvenating and inspiring that it becomes a central force in his maturation.
If a woman is super guarded and pro-longingly holds back in opening and offering her feminine gifts, things get a bit dry (so to speak). A lightness and vibrancy is forever hoped for, but never experienced.
Of course, it’s his responsibility to lead the relationship in such a way that he inspires these feminine gifts, yet i’m talking here when that work is being done, but due to the particular wounding of his feminine partner, there’s still a lack of trust and opening.
If she is not willing to work on her wound with the masculine and is stuck in the (conscious or unconscious) view that all men and masculinity is toxic, then a man may start considering how much the patience is worth it.
If you’re with such a women, and your wanting to cultivate your masculine core, then it may not be the best environment. You’ll be continually be met with resistance, you won’t be affirmed or appreciated in the ways that make you grow, and you won’t be nourished with feminine gifts.
Yet, as mentioned above, it can be the other way round: her guardedness can be the stone which sharpens the sword of your masculine core - it holds your feet to the fire; there will be no letting up, only your best will be accepted.
The Choice
The choice is ultimately yours. But, as a man you must feel into that decision with your heart, and then stick to that decision.
There’s no shame is accepting that it’s too much to occupy yourself with, or that you’re not up for her challenge. It’s okay to realize that the relationship isn’t providing the environment where you really can grow into a safer version of yourself.
If you consider it might be better for that to be done outside of a relationship, then go for it. Be clear on it early, and don’t string her along only further adding to the accumulated mistrust. And then, be conscious of it again when you reenter another relationship though.
If you decide to stay, understand growth happens slowly and in a myriad of subtle and unexpected ways. Her trust will develop and deepen over the course of the relationship so long as you stay committed to your inner-growth. Gradually her sweet feminine gifts will make that work worth it and will inspire more of it on deeper and deeper levels.
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