Expressing emotions without collapse: how do we as men strike that sweet spot?
There’s much talk around relationships and masculinity on the topic of vulnerability: How men have been conditioned over the past millennia to shun and resist showing vulnerability. This is part and parcel of what’s been termed ‘toxic masculinity’ (a result of previous generations’ more traditional, stoic ideal of masculinity, which is strong and hardy). I first turn briefly to that topic and why men might appear to resist vulnerability & emotional expression, before then turning to how expressing vulnerability impacts relating with a feminine partner.
Processing Emotions & the Birth of Effeminate Men
Since the image of masculinity and a man’s role has change over the decades, so too have expectations on a man's relationship to emotions. 'Woke' rhetoric seemingly vilifies more traditional, hardy masculinity as being characterized by a repression and suppression of emotions (all bar anger, which had often been used by men as a way of avoiding all other emotions). It thereby insists that men become more emotional (which, is no bad thing in itself, only when it comes in the package of demonizing all masculinity completely). Now, even though working through suppressed emotions is a huge part of men's work, it isn't always the case that masculinity is characterized by suppression of emotions. It ought be considered that traditional, stoic masculinity being less emotionally expressive is in fact just an inherent difference between how men & women experience emotions: differences between the masculine & feminine, some being the result of millennia of evolution.
The issue I believe the therapeutic and coaching field faces, is that men are being told to deal with emotions like women (again due to the aforementioned social factors). Today we have the “new-age”/woke/ sensitive/ effeminate masculinity, where men being taught to be less like men in the wake of 'toxic masculinity'. Yet, if anyone’s clued up enough, they'll see this is as equally ‘toxic’. This is definitely the category where nice guys fall into.
The reason this new ‘2nd stage’ masculinity is causing trouble in the world and particularly for women/ feminine partners, is that these men tend to be overly sensitive and emotive. The pendulum has swung far over to the opposite side from the days of repression and ‘keeping a brave face’. These men will take center stage and any opportunity to express their emotions, perhaps at great length: how they’re hurt; how they are feeling weak and powerless; their fears, etc. These mend tend to be soft, turbulent, reactive and meek.
And yet, this new-age/ nice-guy character type is also suppressing emotions, namely: anger. This one is kept bottle up jus as much as sadness had been with the ‘Malbro man’ of yesterday.
There is a part of this which is no bad thing. Men needed to come a long way in this direction after millennia of resisting vulnerability and expressing emotions. But as noted, it’s clear things have gone too far, and the world (women) are again asking for something new.
The Context of Relationship & 3rd Stage Masculinity
The real concern is how does a man balance expressing vulnerability and emotions, versus collapsing into victimhood and slipping into an insecure weakness which might turn off his partner?
Today, there’s seemingly two requests from women and the world:
be more sensitive, vulnerable and express your emotions
be a rock-solid, protective leader in the relationship with a strong backbone
(I’ll say quickly here that strong leaders are ones who own and express their fears and limitations. It makes them relatable and transparent: two things which are essential for trust building.)
Now, to the context of relationship… there is a difference between 1) being vulnerable from a grounded masculine energy, where one sees clearly the fear or limitation and is prepare to do something about it and isn’t expecting their partner to fix it for them; and then 2) collapsing into a helpless, whining victimhood, who’s apparently waiting on their partner to take responsibility to fix them. The later is an instant polarity killer.
As the collective masculine learns the new importance of vulnerability and feeling emotions fully, they also need to be aware of this excessive shadow: that is, not making her responsible for one’s feelings, or for her to have to deal with them for you.
When women are asking for men to become more sensitive, it is not about him constantly being a weeping boy or becoming hyper-delicate. It is more about him cultivating his feeling-awareness capacity, especially within himself, so he’s know what’s going on within. Then from there, a man has much great capacity to feel others, for that is essentially what a woman craves from her masculine partner: for him to feel to feel her fully, whilst staying grounded. And that only come from sensitivity coupled with groundedness.
The mature, ‘3rd stage’, grounded masculine does not shy away from his feelings, yet always takes full responsibility for them and doesn’t dump them on anyone for the sake of him feeling better. He is also aware of the appropriate timing for expressing his emotions; he is also concise and clear as to exactly what it is that he is feeling; and he asks & expects no one to make him feel better, for he sees that that power lies solely within himself.
As he handles his emotions without collapse, a feminine partner will be much more willing to open and commune feeling him strong and capable of handling his shit - for how can she trust him to handle her if his own inner foundation is shakey?
Men, Bare the Following in Mind...
Today, I still hear from certain men (men who might be seen to be on the new-age / woke / feminine side of whatever categorization you or I want to make) how they cling to the acceptance that collapsing in vulnerability & needing their feminine partner to soothe them is healthy and appropriate.
Perhaps there are situations and occasions where nothing other than that is possible, and it is truly what is called for. A devastating loss or a shocking attack might prompt such behavior. That’s okay. We’re all human and should be cut slack where needed.
But, if your goal is in creating a thriving relationship based on the principles of polarity, and such behavior becomes a chronic pattern, you can be sure that you’ll steadily abdicate your masculine pole in that relationship and will not evoke the feeling of safety and trust in your feminine partner.
So to that point, here are a some key aspects clarify and to bare in mind:
Knowing your real edge and not faking it: part of knowing your edge is the ability to recognize it and to be vulnerable in communicating that personal limit in a way which doesn't put the responsibility all on the feminine partner. "This is my limit. I can't go on / take anymore. I need support / an end. I need help, but i'm not expecting you to fix me. If you want to help me that's amazing and I would appreciate that, but again, i'm not putting any obligation or expectations on you."
Once you ask your partner to 'hold' you, it is asking them to save you, which isn't an attractive trait of masculinity. Doing so diminishes polarity & attraction. As you become helpless in your collapse, you no longer offer support and will embody more feminine energy. There's nothing inherently wrong with this, in fact it's needed that men also embody this energy from time to time, yet the issue is around polarity. And once that energy is embodied, the there's a void in the masculine pole which a feminine partner will begin to fill.
Perhaps that can be totally fine from time to time, and I do believe that no relationship is fully charged polarity 100 % of the time. However, it becomes a problem when this collapsing / need for the feminine partner to hold you becomes the repeated pattern and a man relies on her to be the ‘go-to person’ to mother them as he chews on his fears and stagnates in worry.
Helplessness feels to me like victim mentality. I don't think I buy into total helplessness. Even in this most extreme cases, a man of great fortitude can take responsibility. I only need mention Viktor Frankl here. Yes, there are some situations or traumas we can't fully handle on our own. But, ultimately one helps themselves by reaching out for support from therapists, tapping into resources & cultivating self-empowerment through relationship. I do not advocate a defiant, "I can get through this on my own because i'm so strong" kind of attitude, but what Chris Bale calls an “emotional self-reliance”.
Men of course need to process emotions & express vulnerability, but ideally not in front of your partner, and especially not in a way which deflects responsibility unto them. It’s best to create space for yourself to process stuff alone, whilst being supported and guided by professional counselors when needed.
Final Considerations
The feminine blossoms when the masculine is present, strong, responsible, clear and demonstrates integrity. I do believe that responsibility and strength are inherent, universal masculine traits. To collapse in vulnerability or any kind of emotional storm is to deviate from those traits, and means any feminine presence will not feel the supportive energy of the masculine and must step in and embody that energy for herself (for her own protection) and the masculine partner in that moment. So it’s paramount to cultivate your own strength, self-reliance and fortitude as a man.
The issue being addressed here isn't about vulnerability itself, but rather the way which we express vulnerability towards our feminine partners and the expectations we put on our partners when doing so. Men must be aware that they will experience emotions differently than women, and should not be expected to deal with them the same ways. Then, they must be responsible for those feelings and the ways in which they are to process them. And that's not to say do it alone - it’s equally important to seek out professionals who can guide you through it.
Reach out if you yourself want to work on this, or share it with someone who could benefit.
Sincerely,
Fred
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